Hi? I guess? Um, I know this is awkward, cause we were like, bffs and stuff... but I really just don't think we mesh anymore, you know? I mean, you've been part of my life for such a long time, I could never fully give you up, but I mean, I guess it's time we... saw other people? Grew up some? Realized that we just don't have that much stuff going on that's interesting to people who aren't personally connected to you? And let's be honest, even those who are get tired of all your cat pictures and food posts on facebook.

I'm alive, and well, and growing and learning and living and succeeding.

I'm visiting New York for the first time in my life this weekend. We leave tomorrow, Fancy (my new fun way of saying fiance) bought us tickets to see Wicked on broadway months ago, and that's saturday. I'm very excited. I really want to do lame tourist-y stuff and completely stick out taking pictures of tall buildings, but I Don't know how much time we'll have. We have a wedding on sunday, and I guess some family stuff saturday night. My only goal out of the trip (other than to see Wicked of course) is to snag a knock off purse. Mine's almost completely dead and I need a new one. I live on the wild side, I know.

I've been improving at the gym. Tuesday I dead lifted 40ish pounds! That's laughably small to a lot of people, but considering the last time we did it I was more or less just using the bar... I haven't lost much weight, only like 4 pounds, but I've lost close to 3 inches on my waist, so I look at that more than the number on the scale.

I miss some people. Dealing with the wedding stuff makes me think of those who, back in the day, I would have invited without a second thought who now I probably wouldn't invite unless I needed to fill a space to save money. It's funny, and sad, but that's life.

My fantasy football team is pretty badass this year. I totally think I'm going to do well, but I could always be wrong.

I'll leave you guys with a picture of Fancy and myself from my friends wedding a couple weeks ago. I really like the picture, though we look dorky as shit, and he looks tiny since I'm in heels and he's a shorty anyway.

I lied, here's another. We're goofy.

A lot has happened since March, I guess. I wish I could get back into the feeling like I wanted to blog, since I'd like to have more people to tell, but I just can't bring myself a lot of the time. It's funny when you think about how I used to spend hours upon hours on this website.

Most importantly though, I got engaged this weekend. We took our first vacation together to Ocean City, MD. Our room was right on the beach, we had two balconies, and a jacuzzi tub. Quite frankly, it was awesome, even if I did get 1000000 degree sunburns.

We were on the balcony, naked, late at night, sitting on one of the long chairs together. He said how he kept thinking about what he'd tell the cops if we got caught (funny), and he said the best story would be that he just got engaged, but it'd have to be true. So he pulls out the box, opens it, and asks "So will you marry me?"

I knew it was coming, but still. It was so very us. Sitting outside, naked and paranoid, when all we really want to do is fuck? Yup, kind of sums us up. It was all very adorable at the time though. He used serious I'm an adult voice and everything.

We wanted to get married 1/18/14. It's a 3 day weekend for most people with non-crap jobs, and we thought it'd be nice to have the extra travel day. AND it's not an in-season wedding, so it's cheaper. His mom is already fighting us on it though. She says it's not nice because the family in Florida doesn't have winter clothes.

Fuckin' hell. It's a bunch of old jewish women who used to live in PA and NY. I think they know how to dress for the cold. And if they don't, buy a sweater. Shit, I'll buy the sweater.

It's going to be a long 18 months.

Also? I really don't want to go back to work today.

I have no friends of my own. It's true. Since I've moved, I have no friends of my own, I depend on boyfriend and his friends who have adopted me. But you know what? As much as I love my boyfriend and his friends, sometimes I just need girls night. I need a girl my age who isn't some genius that's making more money right out of college than I ever will.

Tomorrow night, I have girls night planned.

Boyfriend is on a business trip this week, and a girl who I work with said we should have girls night. I thought she was kidding, but she was totally serious and we've planned for tomorrow. There will be movies, boxed wine, and dinner. I'm SO excited. I really like this girl, she's fun and interesting and only a year older than me. We have a ton in common but a lot we dont, which makes it even more interesting. You guys seriously have no idea how excited I am about this. I'm kind of scared to be this excited though. What if she bails? What if it's just really awkward and she ends up not liking me?

But I'm trying to ignore all that. All my weird anxieties. All my what ifs. I want a friend. I want to have fun. And I think I may just get that.

Original post date on old survey site: June 27, 2004

ABOUT YOU...

||Birth Name|| Lacey

Now: Same, obvs

||Nickname||Spacey

Now: I really don't have one, though I get called LC and Lace a lot

||Age you act||depends on what mood i'm in

Now: Same?

||Height|| 5'6" or 5'7"

||Where do you live?|| Jackson, OH

Now: Towson, MD

||Birthplace||  Gallipolise

Now: obvs the same, just you know, spelled correctly. Gallipolis

||Hidden Talents|| ummm iunno, you tell me <<>>

Now: If it's hidden, then I don't know about it.

HAVE YOU EVER...

||pictured your crush naked?|| heh yeah

Now: Yes

||actually seen your crush naked| nope

Now: Yes

||been in love|| .no

Now: Yes

||cried when someone died|| do movies/books count?

Now: Same, really

||drank alcohol|| hehe yeah

Now: Yeah

||fallen for your best friend|| .yeah

Now: Happily

||been rejected|| no...sorta...no

Now: No

||rejected some one|| psssh

Now: Yes

||been cheated on||  psssh

Now: Yes

||done something u regret|| heh yeah

Now: No.

||Been In Jail|| nope, not yet. lol

Now: No

||Hit a Boy|| um, yeah

Now: Yes, though not in a violent way. Playful, swear

||Hit A Girl|| yeah

Now: Yes

||Broken A Bone|| no

Now: Same

||Cheated On a Test|| heh me? cheat? heheheh

Now: Fuck yes

||Let a friend cry on your shoulder|| yeah

Now: Not physically. Stop trying to look better than you are, Little Lacey

||Fell asleep in the bath|| yup

Now: Yes

||Walked in on someone changing or showering|| yeah

Now: Yeah

||Gone to Church|| yeah

Now: Not recently.

||Never slept during a night|| yeah

Now: That seems impossible for me to do now

||Seen someone die|| movies count?

Now: Same

||Thought you were in love|| ......iunno

Now: Oh, of course

||Screamed at someone for no reason|| yup!

Now: No. I can't recall any time that I literally screamed

||Stayed up till 4 am on the phone|| no not really

Now: No.

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX...

||what do u notice first?|| hair

Now: Please. I'm mean and notice general looks first.

||last person u slow danced with|| umm Josh M i think

Now: The cats?

||worst thing to say|| for me to say? 'Its so cute!' lol

Now: Worst thing to say to a guy? Anything that'd be horrible to say to a chick.

||do you have a crush|| no

Now: Yes
 

WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT...

||Bill Clinton|| Monica or blowjobs. lol

Now: I miss you.

||Love at First Sight|| movies

Now: sex

||Abortion|| evil

Now: Ugh, Little Lacey. Evil? Really? It's a choice we should have the right to.

||Pot|| the pretty colors!

Now: I need some new ones. Or are you insinuating the drug?

||Eating disorders||  stupid

Now: Bitch, you have one. Shut up. It gets better, but at this point in time you have no room to talk.

||Rap|| white guy trying to rap

Now: Meh

||Marilyn Manson|| scary but awsome music

Now: Scary?... oy. Overdone, old, washed up

||Suicide|| stupid

Now: same, actually.

||Drinking|| yum

Now: Something I haven't done in forever

||Life|| a bitch

Now: True, but an awesome bitch.

||Memory of the year|| bah

Now: So far? The whole two months in? Let's saaaaay, game night was pretty fun

||Food|| yum

Now: same.

||Favorite movie||  to many

Now: The Departed, The Producers, The Boondock Saints

||Favorite Book||  to many

Now: Dark Tower series

||Favorite type of music||  alternative

Now: Everythingggg

||Favorite type of cars||  something fast and pretty

Now: ...same, really.

||Favorite Saying|| tch or psh

Now: That's how I roll, of course you need me, silly panda!

||Favorite Ice Cream|| chocolate chip cookie dough

Now: Gold Medal Ribbon

||Favorite Alcohol|| smirnoff ice triple black yum

Now: Lightweight. Jim Beam, straight

||Favorite Television Show(s)|| anything on vh1, techtv, or comedy central

Now: The Walking Dead, Forensic Files, Locked Up, Worlds Dumbest, Hells Kitchen

||Your Ideal BF/GF|| *sigh*

Now: Mine

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU...

||Took A Shower|| last night

Now: Couple minutes ago

||Cried|| reading a book the other day

Now: Earlier in the week

||Watched a Disney movie|| ummm been awhile

Now: About a month ago

||Received a hug|| been awhile

Now: Yesterday

THE FUTURE...

||Where you Want To Live|| In a big city

Now: Hey, look at that.

||How Many Kids Do You Want|| 3 or 4

Now: WTF is wrong with you, child?! None. Or, if at ALL, one

||What Kind Of Job Do You Want|| something that i like

Now: Yeah, it's this that lead me to not get a real degree.

YOU...

||I want|| a boyfriend.....or a better computer.....yeah, a better computer

Now: Cute, Little Lacey. But I want my laundry and cleaning to be done.

||I wish|| my computer wasnt trash/that i had a boyfrien

Now: That my laundry was done? That we win the lottery?

||I love|| guys, anime, guys kissing guys. lol

Now: Oh honey, those boys want nothing to do with you.

||I miss|| band

Now: Funny, I have the same reaction sometimes.

||I fear||  being alone

Now: Everything.

||how do you know its love?|| when you can be so comfortable with that person, that you forget where you are.

Now: When you can sing little wormies songs and they not freak out, when you can have farting contests, when the only thing they have to do to make you feel better is read to you.

===
RED
===
1. What's your favorite kind of apple? the red ones?

Now: Gala

2. Strawberry shortcake or strawberry ice cream? strawberry shortcake
Now: Same

3. Stop signs - how many sides do they have [don't cheat]? 8

4. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop? nope
Now: Yes

5. Do you run stop lights? heh yeah

Now: No
======
ORANGE
======
1. Orange juice or orange smoothee? orange juice

Now: same

2. Do you like Orange Julius? what is it?

Now: ...same

3. Make up a word that rhymes with orange and define it: porange. porn with oranges, or porriage and oranges, whichever.

Now: corange: the core of an orange

4. What was the name of the orangish Care Bear? i don't know

Now: same

5. Do you like orange marmalade? no

Now: same
======
YELLOW
======
1. Do you prefer sunny days or rainy days? rainy

Now: Sunny

2. Do you like lemon cake or lemon meringue pie more? ew neither

Now: Lemon pound cake!

3. Do you run yellow lights? yeah, all the time

Now: yes
4. What's your favorite yellowish flower? black eyed susans

Now: Sunflowers

5. Do you like yellow or pink lemonade more? pink

Now: pink
=====
GREEN
=====
1. What's your favorite green plant/shrub/tree? um....grass? hehe

Now: ...oy. Um, I really don't have a favorite.

2. What does green make you think of? grass

Now: BF

3. Do you turn green when you're nauseous? not that i know of 

Now: I don't think anybody actually does that.

4. Why aren't there any green mammals? aren't sloths green?

Now: Technically, that's algae, Little Lacey.

5. What's more nauseating - lime green or olive green? olive

Now: Lime
====
BLUE
====
1. Do you like blues music? no

Now: yes
2. Does the color blue make you sad? no

Now: No
3. Why is the sky blue? because asking 'why is the sky green' just sounds weird.

Now: Science!
4. Could they have thought of a more creative name for blueberries? no. because i say so

Now: Probably, but why be complicated?
5. Are bluebirds and bluejays the same thing? no, a bluejay is bigger....arent they?

Now: Depends on where you are, but technically I'm fairly positive they're different birds.
======
PURPLE
======
1. Is Tinky Winky your favorite Teletubby? no

Now:...
2. Why do so many old people wear purple? do they?

Now: Because it's awesome?
3. Do you know a guy who wears purple or pinkish purple? yeah

Now: yes
4. Have you or anyone you know ever had purple hair? no, but i want it

Now: yeah
5. Why is Prince so obsessed with all that is purple? he's secretly gay and is trying to tell us that through wearing purple?

Now: ....wtf is wrong with you. Because purple, obviously, is awesome. And purple was for royalty back in the day so I figure he's playing on that.

...current stuff...
::current clothes:: gray shirt, blue jeans

Now: Nothing, just got out of shower.

::current mood:: bored

Now: so much work to do!

::current music:: radio

Now: Sirens

::current taste:: chicken that i just ate

Now: Toothpaste

::current make up:: none

Now: Same

::current hair:: in a sloppy skank roll

Now: Wrapped in a towel

::current annoyance:: my leg is asleep

Now: Laundry

::current smell:: my candle

Now: Me!

::current desktop picture:: butterflies

Now: A baby piggy!

::current favorite band[s]:: tool, our lady peace

Now: I really don't have any

::current cd in player:: tool/our lady peace/marilyn manson

Now: I believe I have a random mix in my car cd player atm

::current refreshment:: nothing

Now: same

::current worry:: umm

Now: Nothing, really

::current crush:: none

Now: The boyfriend, obvs

::current favorite celebrity:: johnny depp

Now: The Rock, Vin Diesel, Gorden Ramsey (Does he count?)

...last person...
::you touched:: i hit my neice upside the head last night

Now: Boyfriend

::you talked to:: my mom

Now: BF

::you instant messaged:: kuro

Now: Uhh, Josh yesterday

::you had a crush on:: no one damnit

Now: BF

::kissed:: my lil nephew kissed me yesturday

Now: BF

::who broke your heart:: no one.

Now: Nobody

...favorite...
::drink:: pepsi

Now: Water
::color:: purple

Now: same
::shoes:: sneakers

Now: Same
::animal:: puppies

Now: PANDAS! MANATEES!

::tv show:: x-play, last comic standing

Now: See above

::movie:: too many to name right now

Now: Above

::song:: at the time, amazed by lonestar

Now: Uh

::fruit:: im not really a fruit person

Now: wtf?! Pineapple and Strawberries <3

::cartoon:: i dont watch cartoons anymore

Now: Bullshit.

...are you...
::understanding:: yeah

Now: Most of the time
::open-minded:: yes

Now: Yes, and bullshit LL
::arrorgant:: sometimes

Now: Yes.
::interesting:: not really

Now: Sometimes
::random:: i can be

Now: Very
::hungry:: nah

Now: Kind of
::friendly:: sometimes

Now: yes
::smart:: sometimes.. 

Now: Rarely
::childish:: sometimes

Now: Most of the time
::independent:: sometimes

Now: Yes
::hard working:: depends

Now: Yes
..shy.. sometimes

Now: Rarely
::attractive:: no

Now: yes
::bored easily:: yeah

Now: same

::messy:: not really

N: Same
::thirsty:: kinda

N: Yes
::responsible:: yeah
N: Yeah

bsessed:: yeah

Now: ...No?
..mad.. not at the moment

Now: Nah
..sad.. not really

Now: No
..happy.. not particularly right at the moment

Now: Sure
::hyper:: not usually

Now: Just add sugar
::trusting:: i like to believe so

Now: Too much
::talkative:: not really

N: Sometimes
::legal:: age wise? no.

N: Yes
::unique:: yeah, just like everyone else

N: Same
::ignored:: normally

N; Sometimes
::reliable:: yeah

N: Most of the time
::optimistic:: not often

N: Same
::deepthinker:: yeah

N: Psh
::sleepy:: kinda

N: No
::lonely:: not really

N: No

I've been on Xanga for eight. fucking. years. To me that almost just seems ridiculous, but at the same time I know there's people who've been on longer than I have. I wanted to do this neat little introspective post about my time here, how I've changed, blah blah blah.

But you know what? I started this blog only a couple weeks after I turned 15. I'm not 23. I think we can all agree that I've changed a lot. There's a huge emotional difference between the two ages. But at the same time, a lot has stayed the same. I still have shitty, weird dreams. I'm still ridiculously insecure about almost everything I do. I still wait for the cool, collected, almost cold guy from the popular shoujo anime to come and whisk me away, even though I'm deeply in love with my very non-cool-anime-guy boyfriend. I still have panic attacks and hide in closets where I cry myself to sleep.

But the differences? The differences still mean more. I'm still insecure, yes, but I also know my worth now. I'm not as shy, I'll speak up for myself and others. I still hate most people, but I've learned to accept that nobody will live up to my expectations and I can fake it and sometimes even enjoy conversations with random people. My panic attacks are few and far between anymore. I don't binge eat like I used to. I'm generally happy with my life, where I was miserable before. I've lost and gained and lost some more friends.

The fact is, eight years is a long time when you consider the ages. My life is absolutely nothing like I expected it to be like when I was 15. I had high hopes of getting into a cool college and running away. I've run away--twice, really--but the cool college never came. I never got the cool degree to get the cool job. I still kick myself for not doing that, I still kick myself for the first time I ran away from everything. But I also know I wouldn't be where I am without those experiences.

When I first joined Xanga, @arenadi was probably one of the most well known people on here. I had followed his blog for a while before actually creating a xanga myself, and I took disappeared pretty much around the same time he took his last long break from xanga. Between thousandthdish and chow. When I was 14-15, he was the ABSOLUTE coolest person ever. I had the biggest crush and I wanted nothing more than the run away and become his bff where we'd hang out on the beach and drink while watching the waves.

We're now actually bffs, I still think he's a pretty cool dude (let's be honest, I'm way cooler ;P ), and I no longer want to jump his bones. Though I think I was promised mai tais and dancing that I may take him up on one of these days. When I was 15, there's no way I pictured myself AIMing him while I was at work about being an International Madame.

When I was 15, I never imagined walking to Fridays from my apartment with my boyfriend of 3 years, eating ribs, and talking about WWE wrestling almost the whole time, and enjoying it. I didn't picture myself heading down to VA for a weekend to play Munchkin with friends. I didn't, honestly, picture myself even really being alive at this point.

I thought at 15 that the darkness would have consumed me by now. That one night I wouldn't have come out of my closet. That the panic attack would just swallow me whole, and at times I was okay with that. More often than note I was okay with just laying there in the dark, my knees to my chest, not being able to breathe. I was okay thinking "this is it", I was okay thinking I wasn't going to wake up.

Now, at 23, that idea terrifies me. I'd probably have a panic attack just thinking about it for too long. I still have mood swings that I hate, but at least I no longer wish for that. I no longer fall asleep in closets and hope for death. I no longer sit in front of the refrigerator at 2 am eating everything I can get my hands on until I literally cannot get anything else in my mouth. I no longer yearn for absolute silence because I rarely got it at home.

At 23, I'm happy. I love life. I love myself, though that's never changed. Years ago, when I first got into Anne Rice, there was only one quote from Lestat that I loved, that I wrote on everything and remembered like the back of my hand.

"I don't like myself, you know. I love myself, of course. I'm devoted to myself till my dying day. But I don't like myself."

And that? That's worth all the differences.

So, the other day I mentioned how I neede a new blog. The issue being, I just don't feel like I can post about some stuff on this account. I know that's ridiculous, but it's just the way it is.

So I've made a new one. I'm not giving up on this one. I've had it way too long to make it go away. I just won't be terribly active on it, which won't be too much of a shame since most people have seemed to disappear again.

My new blog, www.xanga.com/thebunlesswonder , will be for things I feel I can't post here. Mainly fitness, progress pictures, sex, etc. things that may squick people out.

So there you have it. If you want, head over and sub. Otherwise, have a nice day

1. Do you like stringy, gooey cheese?
Yesss!

2. Is your skin smooth & soft?
BF says so

3. Out of all of your belongings [excluding obvious "personal" ones], what is the one thing you would NEVER want to share with anyone?
My computer. Hate sharing a computer.

4. Do you like to listen to music while you bathe / shower?
Rarely

5. How many people can comfortably sit on your sofa?
3 or 4, depending on size

6. Would you prefer to be surrounded by friends right now, or to be alone?
Friends!

7. Do you suffer from dandruff, or know anyone that does?
I don't, BF does

8. If mythical creatures such as vampires, werewolves, witches / wizards, zombies, etc. existed, would you honestly prefer their lifestyles over that of an ordinary human?
Witccch! Once upon a time I would have said vampire in an instant, but I've come to greatly enjoy the sun.

9. ^ Of those options, or any other that comes to mind, which would you opt to be, given the choice?
see above

10. QUICK! Mashed potatoes or french fries?!
Mashed potatoes, obviously. But the chunky kind. I don't like super smooth mashed tatoes

11. If you eat doughnuts, do you dip them in anything or just eat them plain & dry?
Plain most of the time, if it's like a chocolate doughnut sometimes I'll dip it in milk though

12. Assuming you have a cell phone, does it have a camera? & if so, does it have a flash?
Yes and yes

13. Do you ever raise your pinky as you sip your beverage?
Sometimes

14. How do you feel about swimming in public pools?
I don't care either way

15. Who do you know that has the most unusual / interesting name?
There's a girl at work whose name is Aminah, I really like it

16. ^ How about the most ordinary / popular name?
The typicals. tiffany, bethany, etc

17. Are you afraid of the idea of someday having gray hairs?
No

18. Do you like men with feminine features?
Meh, not really.

19. Have you ever owned an article of clothing with fishnet on it?
No, but I'd love to.

20. Would you rather light a scented candle or spray air freshener to make your house / room smell pleasant?
Both

21. Can you snap your fingers on both of your hands?
I can't snap at all

22. Would it upset you if you were to discover that it was impossible for you to have children?
No, not at all

23. When was the last time your eyes played tricks on you?
Pretty much all the time

24. Is the restroom the first place you always go to as soon as you wake up?
Yeah

25. Would you be interested in owning an aquarium, or would that be boring & require too much work on your behalf?
Too much work. And I kill fish, so

When were you last on your phone?
This morning when I woke up

Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?
Probably

What is the date 2 days after your birthday?
1/27

How many pairs of jeans do you own?
2 that I can actually fit in. 4 or 5 that I need to lose about twenty pounds to squeeze back into

When do you start summer break?
I don't.

Apart from your house and school where do you spend most of your time?
Work

Do you sit down and eat dinner with your family every night?
Yes

What do you think about the kids that are having sex by the age of 12?
I think it's probably a bit of bad parenting going on

Has a birthday wish ever come true for you?
Well, I've yet to win the lottery

At what age do you consider being adult?
I'm 23 and I still have issues with the fact that people see me as an adult. So I'll go ahead and say 50

Do you ever want to go to Spain?
The rain in spain falls mainly on the plain... Sure

What do you think of Tom Cruise?
I liked him when he was younger. Now he's just crazy.

Where are your parents from?
Jackson, OH. Born and raised.

Is your window open?
nope

Can you think of anyone special you want in your bed?
My bf and my cats, both of which will be there.

Have you ever been to an art museum?
No

When's the last time you showered?
I just got out before I started this

What do your pants look like?
I'm not wearing any

Do you have any stuffed animals?
Lots and lots

Currently
1. What book are you reading? Under the Dome by Stephen King
2. What are you listening to? Right now it's Time Turn Fragile by Motion City Soundtrack
3. What are you wearing? Jeans, dress socks, purple dress shirt, black cardigan. I just changed my pants when I got home from work.
4. What are you drinking or eating? Nada
5. Who are you dating or crushing on? It's this boy, and he's real cute.

6. Who are you talking to? BF just walked through the door, but he's fighting the cats, so.
7. What mood are you in? I'm in a pretty good one.
8. How is the weather outside? Warm and windy
9. What's the date and time? 1/27 @ 1546

10. What do you wish you were doing? I'm good, though I do need to go to the bank

Lasts
1. What is the last thing you did before this survey? Switched laundry over from washer to dryer, threw some stuff in the dishwasher
2. Where was your last kiss? In the bedroom this morning
3. When is the last time you felt angry? Meh, that takes too much energy
4. What is the last purchase you made? Lunch today, I got a chicken bacon ranch sub from dominos <3
5. Who were you last annoyed with? Patients.
6. What did you last have to eat? Above
7. Who is the last male you talked to? Female? Male: BF, Female: Mom
8. Where is the last place you hung out at? Work?
9. When is the last time you got a work out? Too long ago
10. What is the last make-up you used? Powder

Favorites
1. What is your favorite musical artist or band? I don't have one
2. What is your current favorite album? Who is it by? I’ve been going through and listening to old mixed cd's from high school recently
3. Who is your favorite actor or actress? Again, I really don't have one. Not for acting ability anyway
4. Where is your favorite vacation spot? I've never really done vacations, so I'm not sure. Disney a couple times, but I'm not sure you can call something a favorite when that's the only thing you've done
5. What is your favorite school subject? I always like History in high school, English in college
6. What is your favorite thing to eat? Cool Ranch Doritos. mmmmm
7. What are some of your favorite web-sites? Blah blah facebook blah blah xanga
8. Who is your favorite comedian? Lewis Black <3
9. What is your favorite movie? I have a ton
10. What is your favorite part of the day? I like mornings, I could get a lot done if I didn't have to go to work

Tomorrow
1. What are you doing? I have no idea
2. Are you going to see friends? BF
3. What day is tomorrow? Saturday

4. Do you have school? No, though I wish I did so I didn't feel like a failure/stupid all the time
5. What are you going to wear? I have no idea
6. Are you going to see your crush/significant other? Yup
7. Are you doing anything fun? Probably not, my life is ridiculously boring.

8. How do you feel about tomorrow? Meh, like most things
9. Is tomorrow someone's birthday? I'm 100% positive that somewhere it is.
10. Do you wish you could skip tomorrow? Nah

I knew exactly where I was, but I knew it was too good to be true. This wasn't a flashback dream, I couldn't be that lucky.

I was laying on sand, no blanket underneath me. I opened my eyes to a clear, crisp, starry sky above me. The air was chilly, with that summer turning to autumn feeling setting into the wind, but I was only wearing a light jacket and a tshirt underneath it. Maybe there was a long sleeved shirt under it, I'm not for certain. The clothing isn't what I remember so well about this night.

I turn my head, hearing the sand crunch beneath the weight, and instead of it being who I wanted, it was Him. Laying on his side, his head cupped in his hand, simply watching me. I curse under my breath and he grins.

"Happy birthday, little one." He says, keeping his voice low. I hate him for it. I hate him for a lot of things, but this one the most.

"You're a fucker, you know that?" I mutter, turning my head back to look at the sky. It could have been any sky, anywhere, but I knew exactly where we were. I heard the water splashing against the beach not far from our feet. I heard the birds in the woods. It was the night I wrote about in my college English class and got published for it. That's what the professor said, anyway. She was so excited about the piece, she barely asked my permission to submit it. I didn't care. I couldn't tell you where it's published, why it was, or when it was. Hell, if it was published at all. I didn't want to know. I gave her permission because I was positive she already had anyway, and it made her happy. But I didn't want to know that somewhere, there was an editor probably marking it up in red. It almost broke my heart to think of any changes.

You can't change a memory so near and dear to your heart. A memory you remember as clearly as if it happened last night. A memory that when you close your eyes, and it's completely silent, or that right song comes on, you can feel the wind and smell the lake.

"This is what you want. You wanted to be here, back on this night. I gave it to you. You should thank me for your birthday present." He sat up, and when I looked he didn't have a speck of sand on him. In fact, there was no indentation on the beach to show he was ever even there.

"Not like this, and not with you." I sit up, shaking sand out of my hair. I remember that night, we joked about bugs crawling around in our hair. I didn't really think about it this time.

"I was there, you just shoved me down better then than you do now." He sounded bored. Of course he was, unless I was railing or showing some extreme emotion he was bored to tears with me. "You didn't quite need me as much then."

"I surely don't need you now, either. So can't you go prance around with your other friends? Don't you have some more interesting ones?" I look up at him, watching as he simply watches the small waves on the lake. He smirks a bit, then offers me a hand. Without thinking, I take it and he helps me up. I don't really think about the fact that he kept my hand in his after I was steady on my feet.

"Yes you do, Lacey." I shiver as he says my name, his voice quiet. I almost have to strain to hear him. "You always will from now on, because this? This innocent love is gone. You'll never have anything like it again. Sure, you'll love, and lose, and love again, but it won't be anything like this. You know it, I know it, he knows it."

He waves a free hand absently to where we just were, and laying there are two people I know so well. Who look so young compared to how we look now. So much has happened in five years, it's hard to imagine that those kids laying in the sand, heads close and hands locked, used to be us. I almost want to cry, but the tears don't come.

"You'll always need me, because I'm a part of you." He's bent now, placing his mouth close to my ear. "You can't live without me, I'm your steel. Your spine. All that hardness and old soul shit people give you, that's me." He snakes an arm around my waist, he's gotten behind me and now he pulls me hard against him. He feels hard, unwavering. The arm around me hurts. "And when you really need me, you'll come running without even thinking about it. You'll jump into my arms like you used to do when you were just a speck of a thing. Like when that other boy touched you. Like you did that one summer. You've done it before, and you'll do it again."

My breath is stuck in my throat. I feel like coughing, but I can't. I feel like I'm drowning. He continues, the fucker's chatty tonight.

"Your commitment level has always been half there, one foot always out the door just in case you have to bolt, but you need to suck it up. I won't let you get away this easy again. I'm going to mold you into what you need to be. You have a fight ahead of you, little one, mainly uphill. But for every time you slide backwards, I'll be there to push you back up. When you want to puke, faint, or die, I'll be there to prevent it. You're not getting away from me this time."

He lets go of me, and I realize I feel like drowning because I am. I'm in the lake, under the murky water. I look up and see the bright moon shining down, the surface so close I could reach up and catch my breath, but I feel something pulling me down by my ankle before I can get there. The more I struggle, the worse it is.

But when I stop struggling, when I just let the water rush up at me, I realize I could breathe the whole time. It wasn't the water drowning me. It was me holding my own breath.