May 11, 2013

• Jeans

  You know that pair of jeans that sit in your closet and mock you? The ones that when you take them out and look at them, you just have a moment of “when the fuck was I EVER this size?” The ones that you really can’t get above your thighs anymore? I have several pairs of those. I remember they used to be my favorite jeans because they were so god damn comfortable. They’re size 13′s, from Charlotte Russe, so lord only knows what size that equates to in real-world sizing, because I know it’s juniors. I haven’t been able to wear these things in years. Honestly, I can’t remember when I actually could.. maybe right after high school, because I know I wore them to death. The bottoms are fringy where I stepped on them so much.

  But anyway, they’ve been sitting there. Mocking me. I tried them on several months ago and it was probably the most pathetic thing my bedroom has ever witnessed. I tried the jumpy thing. I tried laying on the bed. I honestly tried everything except lubing myself up. No go. Could not get these fuckers above my thighs. Could barely get my legs in them.

  Came home from the gym today, and after my shower I decided to try them again, fully expecting the same result. Fully expecting to feel like shit afterwards for being a fatass and gaining weight.

  I got those mother fuckers ON. Technically. There was a lot of jumping. I had to lay on the bed to get them buttoned/zipped. And, let’s be honest, they didn’t fit by any stretch of the imagination. My ass wasn’t covered, I had rolls I didn’t have before. But you know what? I got them on. I got them buttoned and zipped and they were in the vicinity of my waist (as much as they ever were, since they’re those ridiculous low riders that was popular several years back).

  It wasn’t pretty, and it reminded me of a girl I went to HS with that never wore jeans that fit, but I got the mother fuckers on. New goal, ladies and gents! To be able to wear them in public. Without a huge baggy shirt to hide the fact that they don’t fit. Wear those fuckers out with a tight fitting tshirt and some mother fuckin’ flip flops and we’ll be in business.

  Then I’ll actually take my ass to the store and buy me some big girl jeans that actually fit. But! Accomplishment sorta unlocked. New goal made. Let’s get this mother fucker done.

  • 12:46 pm
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