October 11, 2011

• I dreamed of him again last night.

  The bastard, always shows up when I don't want him to, never when I do. He's always been that way, and I think he finds enjoyment in it. He says he shows up when he's needed, and sometimes just for fun.

  Of course he'd blame me.

  He doesn't have a name, always refusing to tell me. I ask, every time I ask, but he always just laughs and changes the topic. But he's been there, always waiting, always with the same song playing in the background. It's a classical piece, but none I've ever heard. I've been trying to put my finger on it, something close, but nothing is ever exactly right. It's a pretty sound, but with harsh undertones. They're not there unless you really pay attention. Much like him, I guess. Pretty, but cut throat.

  I remember the first time we met. Which is an odd way to put it, meeting somebody your mind created. I was probably nine or ten the first time he showed up, just as egotistical, sadistic, and cool as he is now. I don't remember the dream, I just remember him. He showed up again in a dream I've told here before, the baby in a crock pot dream. Twirling around in a mirrored room with him while I let a child die. He hasn't showed up for a while, guess things have been too easy lately or something.

  I knew I'd see him when I heard that damn music. The room was very bright, everything cream colored. It was a large room, with a large balcony overlooking something. I never got a chance to go look, but I know it was dark outside, the moon having just risen and shining into the balcony doors.

  It was a fancy night. He was all dressed up, he had a drink in his hand, and he was leaning against a piano in the corner of the room. He smiled at me, though it wasn't really a welcoming one, but for him it was.

  He called out my name. I shivered.

  It doesn't matter if I don't like him. But there's a part of me that always hopes he'll stop acting civilized and act as untame and HIM as I know he is. That part of me wants him to rip off the very expensive dress I had on and take me on top of the piano.

  Apparently he knows this. He chuckles and puts his drink down on top of it and reaches a hand out to me.

  I go to him, hating every moment.

  He asks me what I'm scared of. I tell him nothing, and he shakes his head. He calls me a liar, says that if nothing else, if I'm scared of nothing else in this world, I'm scared of him. I roll my eyes, but I know he's right.

  He's always been there, in the dark, waiting. In a few dreams I know he's saved me from something but I don't know what. I do know he holds it over my head. He knows something I don't know and he loves it. The fucker won't even tell me why he's stayed all these years. He reminds me that I made him up.

  I always counter with the fact that I have no control over him, his actions, how could I have created him?

  He just smiles.

  We dance. There's no mirrors in this room, but there is a large chandelier in the middle, twinkling in the light. I don't know the dance we're doing, I couldn't do it waking if you paid me, but we dance.

  I take a moment to notice my dress. A dark green this time, and not a princess sort like the last time we danced. It was pretty, I liked it.

  I don't remember what we talked about. I never do. I just always wake up knowing he was there, I remember the scene, the set up, but never the follow through. He says it's because that's what I'm best at. The scenes, the follow ups, but I'm terrible with finishing what I start.

  That, at least, I can agree with him on.

  I remember the endings though. I never want to leave, he tells me I must. I hate him, for many different reasons. I always do, and he smirks again. I want to punch him. I'm sure I have. It probably just hurt me more than it did him.

  He bends down. He whispers something in my ear. He kisses that spot behind your ear where it starts to slope down to your neck.

  He tells me good night, I tell him it's time to wake up, not go to sleep.

  He laughs at me. Tells me how wrong I always am.

  And then I wake up.

  • 2:49 pm
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