March 26, 2013

• I feel like I’m by myself a lot, which is strange considering I live with Fancy and work in a job where I’m always with people. But I guess being around people isn’t the same as being WITH people, if that makes sense? I have friends, I regularly see our trainer, and you know, LIVING WITH FANCY, but I just feel alone. Sometimes it’s not as bad as others, and it’s okay! And everybody is in a good mood and it’s fantastic. Then it’s not anymore, and I spend my evenings staring at my phone, or at the computer screen, or a book. Basically just busy work with myself. Fancy’s conversations tend to be huge loops, ones we’ve already had a million times and the answers rarely change. I don’t know. It’s not always like that, but a good majority of the time. It makes me wonder if I’m going to end up like my mother, sad and alone. The only people she ever really had were her daughters, and even we left her in the end. I guess that’s why she’s becoming a crazy cat lady. I worry about her a lot. We’re going to be learning boxing/kickboxing with the trainer now. I’m kind of excited. I hope we get to stay in the area long enough to learn some things. Fancy has an interview in northern ohio this weekend, and we think they’re going to offer him the job. Depending on the money, we may have to go. I don’t want to move and I do all at the same time. I like it here, I have friends, and I like trainer. But I also don’t like it here. I’m away from my family, I miss them. I feel like maybe if we moved, we’d get a new chance at different things, get to reinvent ourselves again. People can be reborn a lot, I think that’s the good thing about being human. You can change yourself. It’s really just a matter of if you want to. It’s nights like this I almost feel like I could throw myself into a panic attack over small things. But they build up, you know? I’ve ate way too much tonight, and I feel sick. Both physically and mentally.  I really need to work on that. I need to work on a lot of things. My enter bar does work, just so you know. I just don’t feel like it fits. I don’t think my jumbled mess deserves paragraphs. It’s really not. It’s a stream of consciousness that doesn’t get a break. No pauses, no spaces. It kind of just is. I’m just so tired. So tired of taking care of everybody else. I wish somebody would take care of me for once.

  • 8:22 pm
  • 1 Comment