I can't remember stuff as well if I type them. If I physically write them down with a pen and paper, however, I remember them so much better. I also can't remember things if you just tell them to me. Chances are I'll forget within a couple minutes (I have horrible short term memory, and I honestly believe when I crashed my car and used my head to break through the sunroof it just made it worse).

I remember when a bunch of us went to Otakon this year, BF's friend B was teaching me how to play Munchkin, and I knew he was getting annoyed because I kept asking things over after he'd told them to me simply because I'm terrible with audio instructions. Later I apologized and told him this, and he said that's fine, he understood because he's exactly the opposite. If he writes it/reads it, he won't remember it. Once I take notes though, man I'm amazing haha.

So, I'm spending a quiet (except for the construction outside) morning listening to some music and taking nutritional notes, even though I have them all here on my computer.

Sometimes ya just gotta have a nice pen and some loose leaf to make life worth it.

Sometimes being part time sucks. Sometimes it's fantastic. My scheduled hours are 9-2 m-th and 9-1 on friday, but I often stay until 430 if we need it. It seems like more often than not I've been staying over, which is nice for the paycheck but it just messes with my day. It'd be fantastic if they'd just say "Okay, just work until 430 every day" because then I'd get used to it, but switching back and forth, even just a couple hours just messes with me. Maybe I'm a big baby. It's probably that one, to be honest. But I don't wannaaaaa stay over on Monday. I could always say no, but then I'd feel bad, so I won't. At least they gave me warning this time. The past handful of times I showed up and they were like "by the wayyyy" and it sucks because I don't plan for it at all.

So the Exposed thing is going on again. Talk about the past coming back to haunt you, haha. I haven't seen that picture in forever. Seeing it today, 25 pounds heavier, was kind of a shock. I hadn't really comprehended how much I'd gained until I saw it and compared it to how those same clothes fit me and how I look in them. But you know what? It didn't really bother me as much as it would have once upon a time. I find that I'm much more comfortable with myself, even with having gained weight. Things don't bother me as much as they once did, if at all, and for that I'm glad. I still have my bouts of panic attack inducing hatred, but it's few and far between now, which is fantastic for my overall health.

I'm not entirely sure what brought it on. Maybe being in a long term, committed relationship. Maybe I just grew up. Maybe I just don't give a fuck anymore. Maybe a combination of all of the above. Either way, it's nice that I can eat right, work out, and look in the mirror without stressing about how much I'm losing and if it's going away fast enough.

I don't binge anymore. I blame BF for that, in a good way. Binging is embarrassing no matter how advanced you are in the process. There was one day where he caught me doing it and I swear never again. I don't think he understood my issues with food until then, really. Actually seeing the processes. But it's good. It helped. Telling and seeing are two different things and he's helped SO much. I think this is part of the non-hate anymore. The whole process just caused it's own set of self loathing and I think without that it's done me a world of good.

And now for a song!

I like people who are kind of cocky. Not like, drunk frat-bro cocky, but the "i'm a grown ass adult" kind of cocky. They have to be sure of themselves, understand their surroundings, be wary of said surroundings, and have an amazing sense of humor about it as well. Sense of humor in general. I really enjoy when, in a group of people, when something idiotic/stupid/etc is going on, I can make eye contact with that one person and can have a whole conversation about what's going on in that one look. It doesn't matter if we just met or have known each other for years. You know the look when you see it.

There's other things as well, but honestly? If you get that down I probably like you.
   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I originally posted this in April of 2004. I was 15. Let's see how dumb I was!

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

Weekdays: 6:21 am. Weekends....I dont see morning

Now: 6:30 on weekdays, 7-8 on weekends.

2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?

Jonney Depp or Haiyao Miazaki.

Now: what the hell, Lacey? You couldn't use spell check? Anyway, I really have no desire to eat lunch with anybody, since my lunches are 15 minute breaks. Just gimme mah foods.

3. GOLD, SILVER, or PLATINUM?

Silver

Now: Same

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?

....ummm.....I dont remember

Now: Don't, Lacey, don't. But it was the last Harry Potter movie.

5. FAVORITE TV SHOW?

Friends or ER or Will and Grace

Now: Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares/Chopped/Iron Chef America  It's really all we watch

6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?

Cereal of some type

Now: Same

7. WHO WOULD YOU MOST NOT WANT TO BE STUCK IN A ROOM WITH?

Any rapper/politician/skank/horny lesbian. heh

Now: Really, Lacey? Really? Sigh. But probably somebody who smelled really bad.

8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?

Nope.

Now: Same

9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?

What inspires me? Iunno

Now: Myself. Or your face. Both!

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

Nicole

11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY?

City

Now: Beach or country.

12. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Spring.

Now: Fall

13. FAVORITE ICE-CREAM?

Chocolate or Rocky Road

Now: Same, essentially. Though I love gold medal ribbon or whatever from Baskin Robbins. omnom

14. BUTTER, PLAIN or SALTED POPCORN?

Butter.

Now: Same

15. FAVORITE COLOR?

Purple

Now: Same

16. FAVORITE CAR?

Hmmm Neons.

Now: Gross! BF and my "if we get enough money to have a play car" is a camaro.

17. FAVORITE SANDWICH?

Turkey

Now: That's vague, but I kind of have to agree.

18. TRUE LOVE?

It happens yes.

Now: Sure, why not.

19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?

Stupidity.

Now: Sure, that works too. Though I'm not sure I'd say that was a characteristic.

20. FAVORITE FLOWERS?

Red Roses/Daisys/Tulips

Now: No. Except the daisies, I'm okay with those. Otherwise: orchids, morning glories, sunflowers

21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?

Iunno...as long as it took to dial their number?

Now: I'm not sure if I would, honestly.

22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?

Fizzy

Now: What? Like, seltzer water or regular non-carbonated water? Regular.

23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?

Green and white

Now: Beige

24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?

Iunno

Now: 4

25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?

Ireland or Italy

Now: Retire? Pshaw, yeah, like I'm going to get to do that.

26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

Nope.

Now: Same D:

27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?

Saturday

Now: Friday

28. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?

Family get together

Now: Same

29. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?

Nope.

Now: Same

30. SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON YOU STOLE THIS FROM!

He’s an awsome writer!

Now: I don't even remember who I originally took this from. But I'm pretty awesome, so I'll go with that.

This song never gets old.

I am, though not ridiculously so. Especially when it comes to ghosts. Yeah, laugh all you want, but I believe in that shit. I really don't have any customs, but I do avoid stuff that I think would just generally be a bad idea. I do have lucky undies that I wear, if that counts though.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I really, really don't understand why people in this area cannot drive in the rain. It really boggles my mind. It can start raining (not even hard mind you, it can just be sprinkling) and all of a sudden the right hand lane is going 40-50 mph with the other two lanes not doing much better. It's like people here just freak out when they see water coming from the sky, which annoys me because it's like..... people, down the road is the fucking OCEAN. You people love that! It's the same thing, just coming from the sky! I promise it won't kill you! Now stop laying on your damn breaks.

They're horrible about that too. It's like they drive with a foot on each pedal, and given what I've seen it wouldn't surprise me if that's what they did. Also, apparently nobody taught them in drivers ed that if you're merging onto the highway from a ramp, you need to YIELD. No. They just keep going right beside you until they force themselves in. Mad, mad I tell you. It makes me want to get out of the car and shake people. Why do you think this is okay? Why? Who told you it's okay to do this?

On another note, I finally found a way to make my protein shakes drinkable. Putting in a spoonful of peanut butter helps the taste, but to be honest I think I'm just going to give up on them. I probably shouldn't, but blech. For reference, the recipe is as follows:

1 cup milk
1/2 cup berries*
1/2 banana (no. i refuse.)
1/2 cup ice
1 scoop protein powder.

*Berries. These bitches... ugh, you guys. So they were frozen, but you know, it's hard to scoop out berries that are frozen, so we put the bag down in the fridge over the weekend so they'd be thawed by the time we were ready to use them. Well. This morning I go to grab them and as I bring them out (thankfully we left them in the cold bag costco put them in when we checked out) I noticed red/black berry juice was dripping all over the place. So at 7am I had the joy of cleaning up berry juice from all over the place. Thankfully it didn't stain my hands though, I was kind of worried that it would.

My life is so hard, I realize this.

But yeah, the peanut butter makes it berryable (get it?!?! ha.) but I just don't think I can drink them everyday. The smell is gross. D: If it smells gross, I typically can't get any farther than that. I know, I'm a baby.

Which makes me think of an amusing story.

I have a tendency to stick my nose in things and smell them before I use them to cook/eat/use/whatever. I like smelling things. Well, @arenadi sent me a package sometime last year with stuff to make curry, since I couldn't find the stuff in my town at the time. In that package, he included fish sauce. Fish something. I can't even remember the name since I've blocked it out. I'm pretty sure he warned me what it smelled like, which just meant I wanted to smell it even more. So I get the package, I open the bottle, I stick my nose down in it and damn near throw up.

Which, of course, makes me take the bottle to mom and shove it in her face going "Smell this!" which then makes her make some very bad dirty ladybit jokes.

So there's a lesson in this kids, if somebody tells you something stinks... just go ahead and agree with them that it does. Don't stick your nose down in strange bottles.

Pretty sure it's still living in the back of a cabinet at my mom's. I think we were all too scared to even look at it after that.

So, boyfriend and I were supposed to start p90x tonight, but by the time we got back from shopping and the Virginia Tech game ended, neither of us felt like starting, so it's being pushed until tomorrow when we can start in the morning without having to run all over Baltimore County.

But anyway, we took our measurements tonight, and ugh. However, I am having a good boob day, so that was a bright side, even though I know if I start loosing any weight, it'll be done there first (sad face). I'm also back up to a weight I was in high school (thank youuu, relationship weight), but thanks to having lost a bunch of weight previously, I guess the fat is placed differently so I really didn't notice I'd gotten so high up there. But that's gonna end, because both of us are sick of what we're doing. We probably eat out 2-3 times a week which, shit, right there is probably where most of our weight came from.

Weight: 183
Upper Arms: 12.5
Chest: 40
Waist: 35
Hips: 47
Thigh: 24.5

All is in pounds/inches.

Ideally, I'd like to drop 40 pounds. That'd take me down to 143 which, granted, I haven't been in my whole life. But definitely at least 20-25.

I was actually talking to a friend last night about weight, and while I've had a ton of body image issues in the past, and I knew I was around the 180 side of things, I've actually been pretty happy with myself. Sure, I knew health wise I wasn't the best, and I could do to lose some poundage, but for the first time I haven't hated myself when I look in the mirror. I think that's kind of an important step when it comes to these things is to simply let go of the hate. I think now that I don't loathe myself (and trust on this, there's been plenty of self-loathing in my short 22 years) I can finally get with the program and get healthier and to where I want to be much easier.

Easy being totally not what it's going to be of course. I'm going to whine and want to quit and hate life and wonder why the fuck I'm doing it cause omg the pain you guyyyyyyyyyyzzzz. But fuck that. Pain's temporary and all that. Why fear a bit of uncomfortableness if it gets me where I want to be?

Boyfriend said that if we keep with it, we get in shape, he'd run a Warrior Dash with me in May. I've always wanted to run one, and he said he'd do it with me even though he has no real desire to kill himself. I'm excited. Way beyond excited. I have no intention of being in first place or anything like that, I just want to FINISH it you know? I'm the Queen at starting things and not finishing them, and I'd like to stop that.

So yeah, here we go. As The Rock would say, let's put boots to asses and bring it.

(...too much? okay, yeah, I'm sorry.)

Somebody posted this on reddit/r/fitness today, and I thought I'd share it since I really liked it.

He said he'd keep a copy in his wallet and when he felt like things weren't going fast enough/well enough/etc, he'd pull it out and read it. I think I'll print a copy and put it in my purse for just that reason. A little motivation never hurt anybody!

The link to the google doc they made is here.

Copied, here:

Make no mistake about it:

This is a war - a series of battles fought each

and every day against yourself.

Temptation is your foe.

Discipline is your ally.

• Temptation makes you weak,

drags you down, and pulls you

back towards your old ways.

• Discipline makes you strong,

carries you forward towards

a new life, a new you.

You are reading this because you feel weak.

YOU ARE NOT WEAK. YOU ARE STRONG.

The weakness you are feeling is temptation:

Temptation is losing this battle, losing this war.

Discipline is driving it back, overtaking it's

position, conquering Temptation.

Do you feel that?

Do you feel that tingling in your core?

The one that resonates to your extremities?

That is the new you being born.

FIGHT.

FIGHT HARDER.

YOU ARE A HUMAN.

YOU ARE STRONG.

DEFEAT TEMPTATION.

SHOW IT NO MERCY.

FIGHT.